


What You See

by SelenaTerna



Series: Random Doctor Who Ficlets [15]
Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Choices, Consequences, Empathy, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Soul-Searching, emotional scars, trigger warning for non-explicit references to DV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:41:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26407411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SelenaTerna/pseuds/SelenaTerna
Summary: The Doctor knows exactly who and what he is, or so he thinks. Until one Rose Tyler shows him otherwise.
Relationships: Ninth Doctor/Rose Tyler
Series: Random Doctor Who Ficlets [15]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/669356
Comments: 44
Kudos: 92





	What You See

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Rose_Nebula](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rose_Nebula/gifts).



> Helloooooo my lovelies! I wrote this fic for 9/9 but it ended up taking forever to edit and fix because it just wasn't coming out right. But, better late than never and so here is my belated 9/9 offering, or as Rose_Nebula called it, my love letter to Nine. I'm still uncertain about this fic because I wasn't in a good place when I wrote it, but it's been gone over VERY thoroughly by the lovely Rose_Nebula so I'll trust her and ignore my brain.
> 
> As you've probably gathered, Rose_Nebula was absolutely instrumental in bringing this fic to life, because she gave me the original idea of writing a 'love letter to Nine', she's revised and beta'd multiple times (all mistakes are mine, because I can't help fiddling), helped me brainstorm tags and summaries and literally watched me type and delete words at one point. And so my dear, this fic is for you. Thank you for all of your love and help and support. <3 Happy Nine Month all and now on with the show!

“Forget it.”

“But _why_ not?” Jack marched to the crawl-space and glared down at him. “Why won’t you let the TARDIS translate Gallifreyan for us?”

“Because I said so.” The Doctor shifted under the console and reached for a wire.

“Half the messages around here are in Gallifreyan,” Jack pointed out. “And the TARDIS service messages- at least this way I’d be able to read them!”

“An’ who said you need to read them?” The Doctor rolled his eyes. “The TARDIS can communicate in every known language in the universe, and a few that aren’t. If she wants you to know something, you’ll know it.” 

“Oh come on!” Jack protested. “This is ridiculous! If you don’t want to teach us Gallifreyan, fine! But you won’t let the TARDIS do it, and you’ve taken any kind of book on the language or the history of Gallifrey out of the library!” He glared. “There’s not a single book with a glimmer of useful information on this bus, Doctor. Nothing I can’t find anywhere else, anyway.”

“And?” The Doctor frowned and reached for the soldering iron. “What of it?”

“What of… Doctor, do you understand what an _opportunity_ this is?” Jack demanded in frustration. “To most of the universe, Gallifrey is legend, nothing more than a myth! And here I am travelling with an authentic, one hundred percent prime-pedigree Time Lord who won’t say a damn word about it!”

“Very touching, that.” The Doctor slid out from under the console and stood fluidly, wiping his hands on an oily cloth nearby. “Still won’t change my mind.”

“Why not?”

“Told you why.” The Doctor shrugged into his leather jacket, his eyes boring into Jack all the while. “You’ve no need to, and I said so. And that’s an end to it. Not a zoo exhibit, me.”

“Honestly, Doctor, from the outside it looks like you’re trying to pretend that Gallifrey doesn't exist.” Jack glared.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” The Doctor’s eyes heated dangerously as the constant, turbulent swells of guilt and sorrow and rage he kept tightly banked started to shift.

“You know it’s true!” Jack dragged a hand through his hair in frustration. “It was your home, for heaven’s sake, you were part of it, and now you’re pretending that it was never even there to begin with!”

“Harkness,” the Doctor growled, tamping it all down. _“Enough.”_

“I get there was a war, I know that, but this was your _home_ and I’ve never heard you talk about it once, no happy memories, no sad memories, _nothing_. Just a vacuum. Was it that bad? Did you hate it that much?”

The Doctor’s gaze burned into Jack with all the intensity he tried to hide, the guilt and the rage almost seething against his restraint. 

Jack started, perhaps realising that he’d gone too far.

 _“Jack.”_

Tearing his eyes away, the Doctor saw Rose standing at the door to the console room, arms crossed and eyes flashing with anger. “‘S enough. Go somewhere else.”

Jack swallowed. “Doctor, I…”

“I said ‘s enough. Out, _now.”_ At any other time, the Doctor would have laughed at the power this tiny human wielded over the former Time Agent.

(And over himself, a small voice reminded him. Not that he’d ever admit it).

“You’re probably right.” Jack exhaled and made for the door with a sideways look at Rose. “For what it’s worth, Doc, I’m sorry. That was too far.”

The Doctor nodded sharply and turned to fiddle with a gadget on the console. As soon as Jack had gone, Rose strolled over to the pilot’s chair and sank down, watching him silently.

“What you doing?” she said at last.

“Cleanin’ the gravometer,” the Doctor muttered, not looking at her, trying to settle his mind.

“What does it do?” she asked, peering at the device, and he almost smiled at her careful handling.

Almost.

“Keeps us fixed nice and firmly to the floor.” 

“So if it breaks, does that mean we’d all be floatin’ like we would in space?”

He smiled a little in spite of himself. “Not quite. Emergency backup would kick in, give us enough time to fix it.” His smile faded. “Or else buy us enough time to find another part in a scrap heap somewhere.”

It went unsaid that the little spare parts shop that used to sell them on a forgotten corner of Gallifrey was no longer an option.

Another moment of silence passed before Rose spoke again.

“I heard him. Jack, I mean. I heard what he said.”

He tensed. “Thought as much.”

“He’s wrong, you know.”

“What about?” He very carefully lubricated the tiny engine with oil and just as carefully avoided lifting his gaze to meet hers.

Rose sighed. “That you’re doing this because you want to pretend it never existed.”

“Clever, aren’t we.” He immediately regretted the sharp bite in his tone, but he couldn’t help it. Not when the wound was so raw. 

“Doctor.”

He continued carefully polishing the little spout and rod.

“Doctor, look at me.”

“Love to, Rose, but I’m in the middle of something.”

“Oh, for heaven’s sake.”

An exasperated huff was the only warning he got before she marched over and slid the parts from his hand, carefully placing them on the console and wiping off his hands with the oil cloth.

“Oi, what d’you think you’re doin’ then? I was cleanin’ that!”

She didn’t reply and continued wiping every last trace of grease from his hands.

“Rose. _Rose!”_

She briefly looked up and quirked an eyebrow before returning to her task.

He huffed. “Not an infant, thanks, I can clean me own hands.”

(He deliberately ignored the pleasure of her small, warm hands caressing his own).

She ignored him and continued wiping off spots of grease even his superior vision couldn’t detect until, satisfied at last, she set aside the cloth, pulled him over to the pilot’s seat and sat him down.

Forcibly.

“Oi! Could do without the manhandling, thanks ever so!”

She raised her eyebrows and stood before him, arms folded. “You’re not gettin’ out of this. Not this time.”

He snorted, ignoring the roiling fear in his belly. “So it seems. Would you mind explainin’ to me what it is I’m not gettin’ out of?”

She leaned against the console and fixed him with a look reminiscent of one Jackie Tyler when she was two shouts short of a rampage. “You’re not gettin’ out of here until we talk about this.”

“Talk about what?” he asked tightly, knowing full well what she was talking about.

“The fact that you never talk about Gallifrey.”

Her intent gaze made him wonder if she’d seen the flinch he’d only just suppressed.

“Thought you said Jack was wrong,” he retorted with false bravado. “Which is it, Rose?”

“Save the snark, Doctor, it won’t work.” She softened slightly. “An’ I do think he’s wrong. I don’t think you avoid talkin’ about it because you want to pretend it never existed.”

“Well then, are we done with this little intervention?” He swallowed, pasting a wide, silly grin on his face. “Since I’ve not fallen off the wagon?”

“But you _do_ avoid talkin’ about it.” She bit her lip. “Even you can’t deny that.”

He snorted.

“You know you do.” Her brown eyes grew heated, intense. “You know exactly what I’m talkin’ about. You always avoid talking about your...your planet.”

He was glad his folded arms hid his now shaking hands. “Nothing to talk about. It’s gone, I’m not. Doesn’t mean I’m avoiding anything.”

She raised an eyebrow. “‘S that why you hid the books then?”

“What books?”

“The history books. The literature, the stories. The science. The pictures. Anything that came from there.” Her gaze was steady. “There’s not a single book on Gallifrey in the library. Jack’s right about that.”

Forcing the rising guilt to recede, he cleared his throat. “Doesn’t mean anything.”

“No? That why you’ve buried them in a locked room you never go into?”

He narrowed his eyes. “How do you know?”

“I found it.” 

“How?” 

“The TARDIS showed me.” Her gaze didn’t waver. “She wanted me to see it.”

He exhaled, trying to take control of himself. “S’pose you had a snoop then.”

“No.”

He blinked in surprise at that. “No? Why not? Curious lot, you humans. Can’t tell you how much trouble _that’s_ caused me over the centuries.”

“I didn’t look because you obviously didn’t want me to.” Her voice was calm, devoid of any accusation.

He tried to shrug. “I’ wasn’t stoppin’ you. I wasn’t there, remember?”

“Doctor.” She gazed at him reproachfully. “You hid them in a secret room you told the TARDIS to hide, even from you.”

Now, how had she known that? In spite of his inner turmoil, he was intrigued. “How did you…”

“I told you. She. Showed. Me.”

Now that _was_ interesting, because the TARDIS had never bothered speaking to any of his companions before. But then, he supposed, he shouldn’t be surprised because Rose was the exception in every sense. 

Shaking his head, he cast a reproachful glance at the ceiling and turned back to Rose. “Suppose she translated the titles for you too?”

“Yeah.” She paused. “Nothin’ else, tho. Just the books that one time.”

He exhaled, hiding his very real relief. “Suppose I should be thankful for small mercies and all that.”

She gave him an even look. “Doesn’t answer my question, though. Why’d you hide the books?”

“Just tidying up.” He gave her a wide grin for good measure.

Rose wasn’t buying it. “You hid them all in a secret room and told the TARDIS to take it away,” she said pointedly. “You never talk about your planet. I didn’t even know where you were from or what happened until after…” She took a deep breath. “After Van Statten’s bunker.”

Screams and dust and death and the dreaded silence filled in his mind, and he blinked them away, feeling a familiar tightness in his chest.

“You don’t talk about it Doctor, an’ I think you _need_ to. I don’t believe you hate it, that you want to forget or even that you _can_ forget.” She took a deep breath. “S why I…’s why I’m pushin’ you now. What it does to you when someone brings it up, when you remember, when you think no one’s looking... you need to talk about it. I think it makes it worse, keepin’ it bottled the way you do.”

Clever little ape, was Rose Tyler. Always surprising him.

“So?” Her voice softened and she approached him, laying a gentle hand on his shoulder. 

He stared at her, praying the turbulence in his mind and hearts wasn’t reflected on his face. “What…” his voice was unsteady. “What d’you expect me to do, Rose? It’s gone.” He cleared his throat and shrugged, pushing back the self-loathing and accusations that came with thoughts of Gallifrey. “Not like I can take you round for tea and cakes, you know.”

(He ignored the thought that he’d never have been allowed to bring a human there anyway.)

“Maybe not, but there’s a big difference between not bein’ able to take me for tea and you disappearing for an entire day because you told me about it.” She raised her eyebrows pointedly. “Or turnin’ into a statue every time it’s mentioned.” She shook her head. “You should see what you look like when some poor alien sod brings it up.”

“Like a daft old Time Lord, same as I always do.” He exhaled, noticing that the air was getting close. And why were his hearts beating so loudly?

“No,” she said softly, inching closer again. “You look like…” She exhaled. “Honestly, you look like heartbreak and fire and ice.”

“Oh, poetic, that,” he scoffed, inhaling deeply, his hearts getting louder.

“‘Not meant to be.” Closer again. “‘S the truth.”

“I’m _fine_ , Rose. Just fine.” The panic rose higher and he clenched his fists in a bid to stem the tide. “Thanks for the concern and all that but there’s naught to see here.”

To his shame, she saw his agitation and his cursed, undignified weakness. To his unashamed relief, she moved back to her place against the console and stood for a time, silently watching him. Grateful for the reprieve, he slowly managed to regulate his breathing and wrestle his turbulent emotions under control. 

Her silence seemed to last both an eternity and scarcely a moment, but he knew it lasted precisely three minutes and seventeen seconds. Ordinarily, he could manage tense silence with the best of them, but her gaze seemed to _see_ so much that he began to wonder if he’d stumbled across the one twentieth century human with fully developed telepathic abilities.

And wouldn’t that just be his luck, he scoffed to himself. But then, it was _Rose_. Rose wasn’t an ordinary _anything_ , and if anyone could manage it, it would be her. Rose was fantastic.

If only she wasn’t so good at reading _him_ , at this particular moment.

Unable to tolerate the leaden silence any longer, he cleared his throat. “Sommat on my face?” 

She gave him a small smile and said nothing.

The silence stretched on and he was on the verge of making for the door and the safety of somewhere quiet, far from probing questions and clever pink and yellow humans and planets and death and screams, when suddenly, she spoke.

“Most people think I’m stupid.”

He blinked in confusion, his unsettled state leaving him embarrassingly exposed and baffled.

“‘S true. My teachers didn’t think much of me, thought I couldn’t really do anythin’.” She smiled tightly. “And, well, mum, I love her but...you’ve met her.”

He nodded blankly, emotions raw, and wondered where she was going with this.

“So it all seemed pretty pointless, you know? Why bother when nobody cared and we didn’t have the money to really do anythin’ with it anyway?”

The Doctor shook his head. “Rose, I don’t understand what-”

“I felt useless at school,” she spoke over him. “Completely useless, like I was just part of the furniture, and the teachers were only there cause they had to be. S’pose that’s why it was so easy to fall for Jimmy’s bull.”

“Jimmy?” The name sent something that felt dangerously close to jealousy running through him.

“Jimmy Stone.” She frowned, absently rubbing her arm. “Wanker an’ total waste of space masquerading as a human being.” She shook her head. “But he made me feel special, in the beginnin’, like I was important- like somebody saw _me_ instead of some just some faceless clone. So when it came to it, it was easy to leave a place where nobody cared and no one wanted you anyway, and go with this bloke sayin’ he wants _you_ and that you could make a go of it together.” She snorted. “Course, that was all bollocks. Learned that quickly enough.”

“He left you, then?” He forced the words out, trying to sound natural.

“You could say that.” She laughed, bitterly. “He cheated on me, took my money and left me eight hundred quid in debt when he took off with his latest floozy.” She looked him straight in the eye. “Course, I wasn’t at home when he cleaned out the flat because he’d put me in hospital the night before.”

The rage he’d only just managed to contain burst into full flame. 

“How bad was it?” His voice was quiet, revealing none of the fire that raged within.

“Does it matter now?”

“I think it does, yeah.”

“Broken arm, two fractured ribs, black eye and a bruised ankle. I survived.” She shrugged, her eyes momentarily distant. 

He clenched his fists, the rage burning through him so strong that the TARDIS started to hum, reflecting his anger. “Rose-”

“That doesn’t matter now,” she cut in. “S in the past. The point is, does it make you feel any different about me?”

Her question winded him. “What?”

“Do you feel any different about me, now that you know?” she repeated.

“Why?” he demanded, at last able to push the words out. “Why would I, Rose?”

“Why not?” She looked down. “I made a stupid decision, a lot of stupid decisions, and ended up gettin’ myself half-killed.”

“It wasn’t your fault, Rose!” He growled. “It was never your fault! It was _his!”_

“I was the one who dropped out of school an’ moved in with a bloke four years older than me when everyone said he was a bad lot. I was the one who stayed while he ground me down to nothing.’ That night, when he...when it happened, he told me that I deserved it and I believed him, Doctor. That’s how much he’d broken me.” She looked him dead in the eye. “I was the one who made one stupid choice after another, and because of them, I ended up in hospital. I had no qualifications and barely managed to get a job as a shop girl at Henrik’s. I was in debt for a year, payin’ off that eight hundred quid.”

He clenched his fists and breathed heavily into the oppressive silence as he fought the urge to hunt the worm who’d hurt her.

“So you tell me, Doctor,” she said at last, breaking into his raging thoughts. “I made all those stupid choices, and I paid for them. An’ you know what else? I never reported him because I knew no one would listen to some chav from the Estate. That was a choice too. Does any of it make you see me differently? Do you want me to go?”

“How can you ask that Rose?” He barely managed to force the words out of his throat, feeling sick to his stomach.

“Why not, though? I made bad choices, stupid choices with really bad consequences.” She caught his gaze and his gut clenched at the look of shame in her brown eyes. “If you go by those choices, I reckon I’m a bad bet. Why would you want me?”

“Because you’re _more_ than those choices, Rose!” he growled, unable to contain himself any longer. “You’re so much more than that! And you didn’t make your choices in a vacuum! There were circumstances that nudged you along the way. You were young and naive, people didn’t value you or what you could give and you thought you’d found someone who had. You didn’t think anyone would listen if you told, an’ you might have been right.” He unfolded his arms and slowly stood. “As for what _he_ did to you _..._ that wasn’t your fault, Rose. Abuse is never your fault. You said it yourself- he’d worn you down to nothing, and warped your mind because that’s what scum like that does.” He drew a deep breath, hearts aching. “To overcome what you have and still be what you are…” he trailed off, his eyes on hers. “Don’t you understand? I told you I only took the best and I stand by it. You’re _fantastic._ ” 

She blinked rapidly. “That's just it, Doctor, I know you think that, but I don’t see myself the way you do. I’m still mad at myself, still thinking about all the stupid things I did. ‘M...workin’ on it.” She wiped impatiently at a tear on her cheek. “What about _you_ though?”

“Me? You don’t need _my_ forgiveness for anything Rose!” He was horrified. “You’ve done nothing, _nothing_ for me to forgive!”

“No, no, ‘s not what I mean.” She tried to laugh. “Although ‘s good to know you’re not still angry about 1987. That was a stupid choice too.” She sniffed. “I mean, what about _you?_ When are you goin’ to see that you’re so much more than you think you are?”

“I- what?” His voice shook. The rapid changes of subject were taking their toll and his grasp on his emotions, especially after what she’d just told him, was slipping.

She strode forward and before he could blink, her warm, little hands were tugging at his cold, clenched fists. He was so surprised that he could only stand stupidly as she covered his hands with her own.

“S like you said Doctor- nobody makes choices in a vacuum. And you’re more than something you did when you had no choice.” She took a deep breath. “I can’t...I don’t know what it’s like to have to do what you did. I know my silly problems aren’t even a blip on your radar but you’re not the choices you made anymore than I am. And your choice wasn’t stupid or reckless or selfish- it was terrible and brave. You knew what it would cost an’ you did it anyway. You did what you had to, Doctor, an’ you saved the whole universe.” She smiled tremulously. “Stop judgin’ your decision in a vacuum. Stop actin’ like you don’t have the right to remember home or talk about it ‘cause you’ve made yourself the traitor in this story. You’re not.”

The Doctor froze.

His mind reeled as he realised this was where she’d been going all along, that this big-hearted, clever little human had offered up this awful part of her own history as a sacrifice to help _him._

He swallowed, unable to say more than a single word. 

“Rose.”

It was the only word that mattered anyway.

Her hands clenched his. “You don’t see me the same way I see myself Doctor, and you don’t see yourself the way everyone else sees you.” She swallowed. “The way _I_ see you.”

“Rose,” he rasped, desperate to shield her from the force of his guilt, and his pain. “You can’t- You don't know. I’m broken, tainted-”

“Well that’s a load of bollocks!” she cut in. “I was broken too, never thought I’d be worth anythin’ to anyone ever again and you know what? This mad, beautiful alien showed up and thought-” she sniffed- “thought I was special- clever, important. He swept me off my feet and took me off to see the universe!”

“It’s not the same, Rose.” The pain in his hearts had spread to his throat, making almost impossible to speak. “You- you’re fantastic! You’re kind, compassionate, clever- all the things that matter. You beat the unforgivable.”

“And so did you!” She swiped at her face before clasping his hands again. “You made a decision no one should ever have to make, because the stupid decisions and the pride of the people around you nearly destroyed the universe, and you’ve lived with it ever since. You think you’re so broken, so tainted? You think you’re some kind of dark god? What’ve you been doin’ since then, eh? Invadin’ planets? Takin’ over galaxies? Slaughterin’ millions? No! You’ve been goin’ about the universe helpin’ people and saving lives!”

He stood frozen, even his roiling emotions temporarily stunned by the vehemence of her defence.

Of _him_.

“You don’t see what you are ‘cause you have scars, just like me! An’ scars get in the way sometimes. So let me tell you what I see- I see a man who gave up his home and his planet to save everyone else, a man who cares about everybody, no matter how low or ordinary. I see a man who sees somethin’ special in the people no one gives a rat’s arse about, who doesn’t care about position or wealth or money- he cares about what’s _inside_. The man who risked himself, who did the impossible so that _everybody lived_.” She brushed at her tears. “I see a man who fought in a war he hated, who tried everythin’ he could to avoid doin’ what he had to do. I see a Time Lord who let a dalek die peacefully in the sunlight instead of killin’ it.” She sniffed, the wealth of emotion in her eyes almost blinding him. “I see a Time Lord who bothered to save a stupid shop girl from bein’ killed by livin’ plastic, who saw somethin’ in her that she can’t see in herself yet. A Time Lord who died for her and forgave her when she made a stupid, selfish, _dangerous_ mistake, who treats her like she matters, like she can do things, like she’s clever. That’s who I see. A good man- flawed, yeah, a right grumpy sod-" she gave him a little grin "-can be cruel when he wants to be, but a _good_ man. A man who deserves to remember and talk about his home, even if he thinks he doesn’t, who does so much good and cares so much.”

She stood breathing heavily, clutching his hands and staring intently into his eyes.

For once in this incarnation he couldn’t speak a word, his mind and his hearts ablaze with the fire she’d lit, lighting parts of his mind he tried so hard to ignore, shining a light on his actions, holding up a mirror to himself and demanding that he look, that he stop hiding.

Did he have the courage to try?

She pressed his hands to her single, bigger on the inside human heart and he was utterly incapable of looking away as her eyes blazed proudly and unashamedly with emotions he didn’t dare examine. 

She was magnificent.

“Don’t you see Doctor? _You’re_ fantastic.”

He shook his head because he couldn't see it. He couldn’t see it at all.

He couldn’t breath. 

He couldn’t speak.

But he could see her.

She was the _light_. 

And maybe it was time to stop cowering in the shadows.

_Fin_

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Come follow me at countessselena.tumblr.com


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